You Gotta Be Shi**ing Me

Warning: This story is heavy on the gag factor.  Seriously, if you are eating, finish up before you read this.  (Especially if you’re eating a brownie or something like that).

So there’s this horrible illness called Clostridium difficile infection (C. diff for short) that makes you feel like you have the worst flu in the world.  It was so bad for Pat Shoop, 75, that she thought she was going to die.  Every time she started to feel better, the infection would repeatedly return.

That’s when her doctors suggested that the only way to save her life would be through a fecal transplant from her husband of 52 years, Bob.  Yes, that’s right.  A fecal transplant.

C. diff is a bacterial illness that causes severe diarrhea, abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting. It comes back again and again, resisting most treatments, except, as it turns out, an infusion of stool from a healthy donor.

My first question is: Who figured THAT out?

Anyway, Shoop was cleared for the transplant and Bob, 77, was under pressure to produce a good poop within 15 minutes of her appointment time.

“We gave him chocolate, we gave him wine, we gave him steak,” Shoop said.

My second questions is: Can you believe their last name is actually Shoop?

Anyway, Bob did his duty, and they rushed the special speciman to the clinic, where  a doctor snaked a tube through Shoop’s nose and into her stomach.  Yup, it happened exactly how you think it happened.

(Hold on, I just passed out).

“It was 20 minutes,” she said. “He told me, ‘You’re not going to taste it, you’re not going to smell it.’” And she didn’t.

That was on a Thursday. By Sunday afternoon, Shoop was better.  Holy sh*t, indeed!

Want Insurance to Pay for Lap-Band?  Get a Little Fatter

Here’s a great idea for how to lose weight and get it paid for by your insurance company. (Not).

If you’re not quite fat enough, meaning you haven’t quite hit the target BMI of 35-40, simply gorge yourself on more fried chicken, cookies, pizza, ice cream and Cinnabons until you qualify.

This is exactly what some patients are doing who are desperate to lose weight but don’t have the $20,000 plus to pay for the surgery.

“That happens all the time,” said Dr. Robert Michaelson of Northwest Weight Loss Surgery in Everett, Wash.  “I’ve seen people come in with ankle weights on.”

Whatever works, say some people. Elizabeth Marks, 32, of San Diego, Calif., was denied coverage for weight loss surgery once by her insurance company.  She was just slightly less than 100 pounds overweight.  But after she spent two weeks eating all the junk food she could, she was approved.

Vodka-Soaked Tampons – They’re Everywhere

A local TV news report out of Phoenix warned parents that their teens may be soaking their tampons in vodka and inserting them (you know where) in an effort to get wasted without the risk of detection.  What ever happened to Jello-O shots or spiking the punch with Everclear?

There are so many easy jokes with this story, but I’m going to leave it to Stephen Colbert to sum it up.

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Vodka Tampons
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Join me again next week as I continue to track the decline of civilized society as told through the strange and varied tales of plastic surgery.


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